“Broken City” Movie Review – Zombie Style

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The Oscar-nominated movies are getting all the attention, so I thought I would give Broken City a shot. Plus, I’m a Marky Mark Wahlberg fan. Anyway, I saw Broken City on opening night, and there were only a handful of other people in the theater. The plot was fairly interesting (dirty politicians, etc.), but the dialogue was unrealistic and didn’t always make sense. The cast was amazing, which made up for the crappy dialogue, but the action scenes left much to be desired. There was only one car chase, and it was just plain boring. I’m not saying there always has to be huge explosions or cars flying through the air, but the car chase in Broken City reminded me of an old lady running a red light and crashing into an ice cream truck (booooooorrring!!!). This isn’t a movie that you have to see in the theater; I would recommend waiting for Netflix.

Of course, being the zombie fanatic that I am, I had to insert zombies into the plot. If Broken City was a zombie movie, this is how it should have turned out:

Turn: I would have liked to see Cathleen Hostetler (played by Catherine Zeta-Jones) turn into a zombie. It would’ve been a shame to ruin her lovely face, but it’d be worth it to see her become a zombie so she could have opened up a can of zombie-whoop-ass on her slimy husband (see below).

Get Eaten: It would have been nice to watch Mayor Hostetler (played by Russell Crowe) get eaten by a zombie. I know it’s the predictable choice, but his character was such a scumbag, and it would have been so satisfying to see him get torn apart by a ravenous zombie.

Kill: I would have liked to see Billy Taggart (played by Mark Wahlberg) kill a zombie. I could be wrong, but I don’t remember his character killing anyone in this movie. I’m so used to seeing Mark Wahlberg slay people in his movies, and it really threw me off that he didn’t kill anybody in this one (at least, not that I remember). Sure, he beat up a few people, and he was involved in the world’s slowest car chase, but the movie would have been ten times better if his character had killed a zombie or two.

I give Broken City 2.5 out of 5 Brains.

“Les Miserables” Movie Review – Zombie Style

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I’m a huge fan of Les Miserables, so I had to see the new movie version. I read the book ages ago, but watching the movie is a whole other experience. Naturally, being the zombie-lover that I am, I had to insert zombies into the plot.

If Les Miserables was a zombie movie, this is how I think it should have turned out:

Turn: I suppose it would have been nice to see Fantine (played by Anne Hathaway) turn into a zombie. It’s not that I don’t like Fantine (everyone likes Fantine), but I think she would have had a better life as a zombie. Her character really got screwed, literally and figuratively, and she would’ve been much better off undead. That way she would have at least had a decent meal once in a while as there was plenty of human flesh to be had.

Get Eaten: I think Cosette (played by Amanda Seyfried) should have been eaten by a zombie. I know she’s everyone’s favorite, but I always thought that Eponine got the short end of the stick. If Cosette was picked off early, then Eponine could have had Marius all to herself, and they would have lived happily ever after (well, at least until Eponine got shot).

Kill: I would have liked to see Javert (played by Russell Crowe) kill a zombie. You have to feel bad for him because he pretty much wasted his life tracking down a man who he ended up freeing. Maybe if Javert got to kill a zombie or two, he would have chosen to live. Plus, it would have been nice to see Russell Crowe take out a few zombies gladiator-style.

I give Les Miserables 4 out of 5 brains.

“Gangster Squad” Movie Review – Zombie Style

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Gangster Squad came out last night, and I just had to see it opening night. The previews looked awesome, and the movie did not disappoint. It was set in 1949 Los Angeles and followed a group of cops who aimed to take down LA’s most dangerous gangster, Mickey Cohen. The action scenes and gun fights were thrilling, and the dialogue was very well done.

Of course, being the zombie lover that I am, I had to insert zombies into the movie (zombies make everything better). I decided which character I would want to turn into a zombie, which one I’d like to get eaten by a zombie, and which one I’d want to kill a zombie. Kind of like F*ck, Marry, Kill, but it would be Turn, Get Eaten, Kill (which is much more fun to play).

If Gangster Squad was a zombie movie, this is how I think it should have turned out:

Turn: I would have liked to see Jerry Wooters (played by Ryan Gosling) turn into a zombie. He was just too pretty, and I think his character would have been much more threatening if he was undead. I would have found him way more intimidating if he had chunks of flesh missing from his face and blood dripping from his mouth. And maybe he could have been missing a limb or two. Wooters as a zombie would have been so much more badass!

Get Eaten: I wanted to see Mitch Racine (played by James Hebert) get eaten by a zombie. Not just eaten, but torn to shreds and devoured slowly. Racine was one of Cohen’s gangsters who lured girls back to his hideout so he and his buddies could take advantage of the young ladies. His character did get what he deserved in the movie, but he was so smarmy that I would have preferred to see him get killed and eaten by a zombie.

Kill: I would have enjoyed seeing Grace Faraday (played by Emma Stone) kill a zombie. Her character didn’t do very much in the movie. It seemed like her only job was to stand around and look pretty. She didn’t get to kill anyone in this movie because she was a delicate little lady, so I really would have enjoyed seeing her kill a zombie. It wouldn’t have to be anything fancy. Just a bullet to the brain would do. I just wanted to see her character do something badass or edgy because I expect nothing less from Emma Stone.

I give Gangster Squad 3.5 out of 5 brains.

“Juan of the Dead” Movie Review

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If you like zombie movies, Juan of the Dead is a must see. It’s one of the funnier zombie movies I have seen (it’s up there with Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland). The movie is set in Havana, Cuba, and it follows the story of a thief who capitalizes on the zombie apocalypse by killing his neighbors’ zombified family members for a fee. He answers his phone with, “Juan of the Dead, we kill your loved ones.” There is an excessive amount of toilet humor, but it sort of adds to the movie. Any type of comic relief is welcome in zombie movies (something has to balance out the gore). I’m glad I finally saw Juan of the Dead because it’s now one of my favorite zomedies.

I give it 4.5 out of 5 brains.