“Pain & Gain” Movie Review – Zombie Style

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Why aren’t there any good movies out right now? Last year was a treasure trove of amazing movies. This year? Not so much. Pain & Gain got pretty bad reviews, but I thought I’d give it a chance because I’m a big Mark Wahlberg fan. Movies based on true stories usually intrigue me, but Pain & Gain just didn’t do it for me. The first half of the movie was actually pretty funny, but the second half sort of fizzled out. The movie follows the story of a trio of bodybuilders who kidnap a millionaire. They torture said millionaire until he signs over all his worldly possessions. I read an article about the accuracy of the events shown in the movie, and it turns out that Pain & Gain is very loosely based on the truth.

Even though I didn’t particularly enjoy Pain & Gain, I did have fun adding zombies into the story. I decided which character I would want to turn into a zombie, which one I’d like to get eaten by a zombie, and which one I’d want to see kill a zombie. If Pain & Gain was a zombie movie, this is how I think it should have turned out:

Turn: I would want Paul Doyle (played by Dwayne Johnson) to turn into a zombie because it would be pretty fantastic to see such a giant zombie. At 6’4” and 260 lbs., the survivors wouldn’t stand a chance against him! Doyle would be a one-man zombie horde.

Get Eaten: I’d like to watch Daniel Lugo (played by Mark Wahlberg) get eaten by a zombie. He was just a rotten guy, and I know that we’re supposed to feel sorry for the bad guys, but Lugo was kind of a douche. I wouldn’t feel sorry for him if he got eaten by a zombie. But I don’t know if he’d taste very good, because he was so muscular. Lugo would probably taste pretty gamey. I suppose a desperate zombie could eat him.

Kill: It would have been nice to watch Robin Peck (played by Rebel Wilson) kill a zombie. I was happy to see that Rebel Wilson was part of the cast, but her character didn’t get much screen time. She was funny for the few minutes that she was in the movie, but she just had a small role. It would have been nice to see her do something badass, like smash in a zombie’s brain with a rock (you know, something like that).

Pain & Gain was just OK (even if you’re a Mark Wahlberg fan). If you’re going to see this movie, you should at least wait for Netflix. When will the good movies be released? I guess I’ll just have to wait for World War Z (JUNE!!!).

I give Pain & Gain 2 out of 5 brains.

Jordan’s Brains: A Zombie Evolution

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I have always wanted to write a novel, and because I’m infatuated with zombies, I figured that I should write about the zombie apocalypse (I might as well have fun while I’m writing, no?). I wanted to write about a character that helps people at any cost. In too many zombie stories, the majority of the characters just look out for themselves and their loved ones. But people don’t usually go out of their way to help strangers. My novel is about a friendly lunatic whose dream is to save the world from zombies.

JBCoverZG

I started writing my novel on August 4th, 2012, and I finished right before my thirtieth birthday on September 4th. I woke up every morning at 5:00 and wrote for two hours before going into the office. It was hard work, but I loved every minute of it. Writing about zombies is so much fun, and I learned a lot about preparing for a zombie invasion. Some people plan for retirement, while others plan for the zombie apocalypse. I’m not saying that IRAs are a bad idea, but when the zombies invade, you’ll be much happier with your bug-out bag and survival supplies (those stocks and bonds aren’t going to do you any good).

I digress. So I finished writing my novel, and then I edited…and edited…and edited. It only took me one month to write the book, but I spent five months on editing. Once I was happy with the story, I decided it was ready to be published. My novel, “Jordan’s Brains: A Zombie Evolution,” is finally finished, and it will be available soon.

“Evil Dead” Movie Review

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I finally got to see the new Evil Dead movie today. Just like the original 1981 version, the remake had an abundance of violence and gore. The special effects were very well done, and the script wasn’t bad for a horror movie. The main disappointment with the new Evil Dead was the lack of Bruce Campbell. I was kind of hoping for a Mr. Campbell cameo (no such luck). The movie could have ended fifteen minutes sooner, but I guess they had to conform to Hollywood standards and make the movie at least an hour and thirty minutes long. The last scene between Mia and the demon really got under my skin. Not because of the gore, but because it just kept going and going. I was thinking, “I don’t care who dies, but someone better kill someone soon!!” That last scene kind of soured the movie for me.

I wonder if they’ll be making a new Evil Dead II? All I know is, they better be careful if they try to remake Army of Darkness. That movie is genius and should be left alone. Anyway, the new Evil Dead isn’t bad, but it’s over-the-top gory, so I would leave the kids at home for this movie (some idiot sitting behind me actually brought a toddler to this movie – that’s just bad parenting!).

I give the new Evil Dead 3 out of 5 brains.