“Pain & Gain” Movie Review – Zombie Style

Why aren’t there any good movies out right now? Last year was a treasure trove of amazing movies. This year? Not so much. Pain & Gain got pretty bad reviews, but I thought I’d give it a chance because I’m a big Mark Wahlberg fan. Movies based on true stories usually intrigue me, but Pain & Gain just didn’t do it for me. The first half of the movie was actually pretty funny, but the second half sort of fizzled out. The movie follows the story of a trio of bodybuilders who kidnap a millionaire. They torture said millionaire until he signs over all his worldly possessions. I read an article about the accuracy of the events shown in the movie, and it turns out that Pain & Gain is very loosely based on the truth.

Even though I didn’t particularly enjoy Pain & Gain, I did have fun adding zombies into the story. I decided which character I would want to turn into a zombie, which one I’d like to get eaten by a zombie, and which one I’d want to see kill a zombie. If Pain & Gain was a zombie movie, this is how I think it should have turned out:

Turn: I would want Paul Doyle (played by Dwayne Johnson) to turn into a zombie because it would be pretty fantastic to see such a giant zombie. At 6’4” and 260 lbs., the survivors wouldn’t stand a chance against him! Doyle would be a one-man zombie horde.

Get Eaten: I’d like to watch Daniel Lugo (played by Mark Wahlberg) get eaten by a zombie. He was just a rotten guy, and I know that we’re supposed to feel sorry for the bad guys, but Lugo was kind of a douche. I wouldn’t feel sorry for him if he got eaten by a zombie. But I don’t know if he’d taste very good, because he was so muscular. Lugo would probably taste pretty gamey. I suppose a desperate zombie could eat him.

Kill: It would have been nice to watch Robin Peck (played by Rebel Wilson) kill a zombie. I was happy to see that Rebel Wilson was part of the cast, but her character didn’t get much screen time. She was funny for the few minutes that she was in the movie, but she just had a small role. It would have been nice to see her do something badass, like smash in a zombie’s brain with a rock (you know, something like that).

Pain & Gain was just OK (even if you’re a Mark Wahlberg fan). If you’re going to see this movie, you should at least wait for Netflix. When will the good movies be released? I guess I’ll just have to wait for World War Z (JUNE!!!).

I give Pain & Gain 2 out of 5 brains.

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