“The Heat” Movie Review – Zombie Style

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Melissa McCarthy is now my idol. I always knew she was funny, but she really shined in The Heat. Every single thing she said was funny. That’s not an exaggeration. Every word that came out of her mouth was hilarious. I was almost in tears because I was laughing so hard. The story is really interesting too, and it’s not totally predictable (like so many other cop movies). I really thought I had the plot figured out from the beginning, but there’s actually a twist near the end that completely caught me off guard. From the previews, I wasn’t positive I would like this movie, but I was way off. When The Heat comes out on DVD, I’m going to snap up a copy right away!

Even though The Heat wasn’t a zombie movie (sigh), it’s definitely on my top ten movie list right now. Naturally, being the zombie fanatic that I am, I had to insert zombies into the plot. I decided which character I would have wanted to turn into a zombie, which character I would’ve wanted to get eaten by zombies, and which one should have killed a zombie. If The Heat was a zombie movie, this is how it should have turned out:

Turn: I would have liked to see Ashburn (played by Sandra Bullock) turn into a zombie. She was a total badass in the movie (she actually shot a guy in his junk – twice), but she needed to loosen up a bit. I think if she turned into a zombie, she would have been able to relax. A little shuffling around with flesh hanging from her mouth would’ve made her seem more chill.

Get Eaten: I would have wanted to see Peter Mullins (played by Joey McIntyre) get eaten by a zombie. You might be thinking, “Hmm…Joey McIntyre…that name sounds familiar.” Yep, that’s because he’s one of The New Kids on the Block. When I noticed McIntyre at the Mullins’ dinner table, I leaned over to my spouse and whisper-yelled, “Holy crap! That’s a New Kid!” I had no idea he was an actor, but he did a really good job (he had a great Boston accent). But I still feel like I have to nominate him as the poor soul who gets devoured by zombies. Sorry, dude. Tell Donnie I said “Hi!”

Kill: Obviously, I would have liked to see Mullins (played by Melissa McCarthy) kill a zombie. She was by far the best character in the movie. She was such a smartass, but she was also an amazing cop. Mullins wasn’t afraid of anything, and I would have loved to see her decimate a zombie. I feel like she could have torn apart a zombie with her bare hands (or her vicious sarcasm). She was a Russian roulette playing, phonebook throwing, whiskey drinking badass. I absolutely loved her!

I give The Heat 5 out of 5 brains.

“World War Z” Movie Review

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World War Z the movie is exactly nothing like the book. Nevertheless, I absolutely loved it. The movie was only rated PG-13, so it lacked the excess blood and guts that’s typically found in zombie movies. I did have a few issues with the movie, but I’ll start with the good parts. First of all, I am now head-over-heels in love with Daniella Kertesz, who played an Israeli soldier named Segen. I don’t want to give away anything, but she was a total bad ass (she’s up there with Merle Dixon and Ash Williams – hint, hint). I really appreciated the fact that they didn’t over sexualize the female sidekick, which happens far too often in action movies.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel about the lightning-fast zombies, but it actually worked. I must admit, I’m a fan of slow-moving zombies, and I have always preferred them over the running corpses. However, because there was a lack of gore, there really needed to be something that set these undead individuals apart. So making the zombies move fast was a good call. One different thing about World War Z was that the zombies didn’t seem to be eating their victims. They just bit them and then went on their merry, undead way. The point of biting their victims was to spread the zombie virus rather than to quench their desire for human flesh.

One issue I had with the movie is something that has always bothered me about zombie stories. The vast majority of zombie movies and books have at least one rape scene, which is highly disturbing. I do understand that post-apocalyptic times will come with a lawless society, and I’m sure cases of violence, raping, and pillaging will increase. However, I feel like the almost-rape scene in World War Z was completely out of place. Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt), his wife, and two daughters were raiding a grocery store, and they split up to gather pharmaceuticals and food. It was only two hours into the zombie apocalypse, mind you, and already there were two men who had Gerry’s wife on the ground, trying to have their way with her. Really? Two hours? I would think that most people (even the rapists) would be more concerned with gathering food and weapons during the first few hours of the apocalypse. That was probably my biggest issue with the movie. Next time, just leave out the rape.

Overall, I think World War Z was a great movie, and it was worth the wait. I’m sure it will make back the $200 million it took to make the movie (I went to the 5:10 p.m. screening, and it was packed). Honestly, World War Z is not a zombie movie that I’d want to watch over and over again (like Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland), but I am glad that I saw it in the theater. This movie is definitely worth the extra money it costs to see it on the big screen!

I give World War Z 4.5 out of 5 brains.

“This Is the End” Movie Review – Zombie Style

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I expected to like This Is the End because I enjoy most post-apocalyptic movies (especially the funny ones). I laughed out loud several times throughout the movie, and I thought it was clever that the actors played themselves. The story started out a bit slow, but it picked up about twenty minutes into the movie when the earth opened up and started swallowing celebrities. I thought it was funny that Michael Cera was able to make fun of himself. Emma Watson also made a cameo, and her appearance in the movie was a treat because she was one of only a handful of women in the movie. That Watson woman knows how to use an axe!

Naturally, I had to insert zombies into the story because that’s what I always do. It wasn’t that hard to imagine the living dead in the movie because This Is the End is chock full of demons, exorcisms, and the usual apocalyptic beasts. Even though zombies were briefly mentioned in the movie, there was no sign of my beloved undead monsters. If This Is the End was a zombie movie, this is how it should have turned out:

Turn: I would have liked to see James Franco turn into a zombie. I feel like he has played almost every type of character throughout his long career, but he has never been a zombie. This movie would have been the perfect opportunity!

Get Eaten: Danny McBride’s behavior in the movie was hilariously appalling. He was so terrible that I would have liked nothing more than to see him get eaten by a horde of zombies. Even though his character was over-the-top annoying, he was responsible for most of the laugh-out-loud moments in the movie. Nevertheless, I still think he should have been devoured by zombies.

Kill: It would have been nice to see Emma Watson kill a zombie. She was only in the movie for a few minutes, but she did kick ass during her short time on screen. I would have liked to see her kill a few zombies with that axe of hers.

Overall, I enjoyed This Is the End, and I do think it would be worth the extra money to see it on the big screen. But if you can’t make it to the theater, this movie is definitely rent-worthy.

I give This Is the End 4 out of 5 brains.